When the person we love and are in a committed relationship with seems like he or she hasn’t been showing up for us emotionally lately, we can feel confused and perhaps threatened. If we try to talk about it with our partner, and make bids for attention, time, and connection and nothing changes, we begin to feel afraid. We might not consciously recognize that we feel afraid, but unconsciously our body and brain is experiencing it as dangerous to the security of the bond between ourselves and our partner.
We all have strategies that we use to try and close the emotional gap we feel when the connection feels off or distant. The strategies we use might not look like they are intended to create closeness with your partner, though.
In a previous article entitled “Primary vs. Secondary Emotions in Relationships: What’s the Difference?” I explained how our primary emotions of fear, sadness, shame, and anger are our most vulnerable ones, and we instinctively want to move away from feeling them and move to an emotional place where we feel less helpless, hurt, afraid and more empowered. So, while we may feel fear or sadness, what we show our partner might be anger. This anger can look like assertiveness and include blame and criticism. Someone who is feeling anxious about the connection with their partner may come across strongly (masking vulnerability) as critical (fearing they are not wanted, loved, important).
If their partner’s attachment style is that of a withdrawer, the protest for connection coming from their anxious partner feels and sounds like criticism, demand, complaint, and anger. The withdrawer’s tendency when there is some indication that a conflict is imminent is to try to find a solution (often a rational solution) or leave the situation to make the problem go away to reduce feelings of overwhelm or confusion. If this doesn’t work because they don’t know the solution or their partner doesn’t want a solution, they might feel that they are a disappointment to their partner, or that their partner sees them as inadequate. If they withdraw and try to end the conversation, their partner can feels dismissed, unheard, or abandoned.
From the withdrawer’s perspective, their default protective strategy is to withdraw to protect themselves from painful interpretations about their inadequacy and to protect the relationship from further escalation of emotion. In this case, if we understand what is going on in the withdrawer’s mind and the function of the response to move away, disconnection makes sense.
The signals we send to connect (protesting disconnection) and to protect (the self and the relationship) can appear different than what we intend which is why they are often confusing and contradictory to our need and goal.
I mention the pursue/withdraw strategy here because this is the most common cycle that is in seen in couples therapy. It’s a sign that love feels in danger (and dangerous to each partner), and all attachment alarms are loudly ringing.
When connection feels threatened, the pursuing partner wants to reestablish connection and safety. If they try repeatedly to reach their partner without success, they begin to feel more disconnected and alarmed, so they might get louder, more emphatic, more emotional or demand answers. Since they are responding from what feels like the safety of secondary emotions rather than the raw vulnerability of their primary emotion of fear or sadness, they can’t send soft, clear messages to their partner. The partner will continue to fight for the connection and understanding of the impasse by any means in order to reach their partner and reestablish safe connection.
Instead of saying, “I feel alone, shut out and wonder where you are, and if we are okay,” the partner may use criticism or sarcasm to try and elicit a response. If the pursuer and withdrawer have been emotionally disconnected for a while and the pursuer has not been able to reach their partner or has felt his or her attempts to be close are dismissed, feeling of desperation set in and the attempts to connect can become more strident and critical. In spite of how each partner responds, it’s important to keep in mind that this pattern is painful for both partners because they want to safely and successfully establish connection with their other partner.
Feeling overwhelmed, criticized, or uncertain about how to respond or to make things better, the withdrawing partner may go quiet and appear indifferent or cold. Inside, they are saying “This feels pretty intense. I’m hearing I’m flawed, a bad partner, and I have no idea how to handle this pressure.” So, the withdrawer moves away either physically or verbally or both trying to stay safe, not feel like a failure, trying to buy some time to figure out what this protest from the partner means (encode it), and not make the situation worse.
The moves of the pursuer and the withdrawer are protective ones, not punitive. But, what starts out as a protest for closeness can look like an attack; what starts as a retreat for safety can feel and look like abandonment. The is the painful loop of a pursue-withdraw pattern.
Essentially, the very thing that one partner does when they feel distressed and disconnected from their partner is exactly what makes the other partner distressed and determines his or her response. However, from an attachment perspective, the function and wisdom of both moves is to protect the self.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) will slowly unravel the negative cycle to create clarity about what each partner is feeling and trying to accomplish in order to connect and protect. These components of emotion, interpretation and response will be uncovered and understood.
For example, in the couple’s negative cycle, on the inside a pursuer may feel alone, confused, and scared and think that their partner’s distance means he or she is disappointed with them and/or doesn’t desire closeness when in fact their partner may just be distracted, tired, stressed, etc. The pursuer is feeling these painful things on the inside but instinctively defaults to expressing them in a way that masks their vulnerability and protects them from rejection.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can ultimately help this partner say, “I get angry because I am scared to lose you,” and the withdrawing partner would tell his partner that “I pull away and go even more quiet because I don’t know what to do or comfort you. When I feel like I won’t get it right, I get paralyzed and this feels safer than getting it wrong and making it much worse.”
Demon Dialogues
In her book entitled “Hold Me Tight,” Dr. Susan Johnson refers to destructive patterns of interaction that couples fall into when they are emotionally distressed or feeling threatened as “Demon Dialogues.” These patterns are not the real problem, but rather symptoms of unmet emotional needs and attachment insecurities. The concept of Demon Dialogues underlies the negative cycles which ensnare couples and erode trust and closeness.
There are three typical Demon Dialogues:
1. Find the Bad Guy: This dialogue is filled with mutual criticism, blame, accusation and defensiveness. Both partners blame each other, and they engage in an attack/attack pattern, and underneath it are hurt, frustration, and fear of rejection. An example is one partner stating “You never take my suggestions,” and the other partner stating “You always have to be in control.”
2. The Protest Polka: One partner pursues for closeness while the other withdraws to avoid conflict or feeling overwhelmed. In this pursue/withdraw pattern, the pursuer feels abandonment and rejection and the withdrawer feels like a failure or not being good enough. An example is a pursuer saying “Why won’t you talk to me about our relationship?” and the withdrawer says “Because every time I do, I hear that I’m doing something wrong in your eyes.”
3. Freeze and Flee: In this dialogue, both partners shut down emotionally to avoid confrontation or connection. Beneath their mutual withdrawal are feelings of hopelessness, numbness, and fear of more pain. In this sequence, it’s common for a couple to say that they feel more like roommates than partners.
For more reading on how to recognize and identify the possible Demon Dialogue in your relationship, you can read the article that Dr. Sue Johnson created at https://drsuejohnson.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Copy-of-Demon-Dialogue-Free-Content-Giveaway.pdf.
What Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Helps Us See
EFT helps you slow down this pattern down and understand what’s really happening beneath the surface and the Demon Dialogues. In therapy, the predominant dialogue that each couple engages in is identified along with the painful emotions and attachment needs that drive it. Couples learn and experience how to interrupt the cycle with new, more effective ways of reaching and responding to each other emotionally.
The goal is not to fight with your partner, but to fight the pattern to rebuild a safe connection.
Learn More About Emotionally Focused Therapy
If you’re curious about how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help improve communication, deepen emotional intimacy, and heal past hurts, I’d be happy to speak with you.
👉 Contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
📧 Email: drkathleendobek@gmail.com
📞 Call: (484) 354-1232