According to the Gottman Method couples therapy, one of the most normalizing and sometimes worrisome idea for a couple is that not all problems are meant to be solved. John Gottman (www.Gottman.com) is a renowned clinical psychologist and researcher famous for his 50-year study of marital stability and divorce prediction. Co-founder of The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, he developed the “Love Lab” approach to analyze couple interactions, identifying key behaviors that make relationships succeed or fail. The Gottmans’ research found that 69% of relationship problem are perpetual, meaning they are chronic, ongoing, and rooted in personality differences, lifestyle preferences, or core values. The key to relationship distress, according to Gottman, is not eliminating these problems – solving them – but learning how to manage them with acceptance, respect and emotional connection.
So, solvable problems arise from issues and specific circumstances that are not deeply tied to core personality or identify differences.
These problems:
- Tend to be practical
- Are often about logistics
- Can be negotiated, resolved or tolerated
- Don’t trigger deep emotional gridlock (unless mismanaged)
Some examples of solvable problems are:
- Who is picking up the kids?
- Dividing household chores
- What to do on date night
- Where to go on vacation
As Gottman emphasizes, each of these “problems” can be resolved if couples can accept influence from each other, they recognize the necessity for compromise, and they can easily repair discord or disagreement with trust and healthy communication.
Perpetual problems, in contrast, are tied to issues that originate in fundamental differences in:
- Personality
- Temperament
- Lifestyle preferences
- Core values
- Attachment needs
These problems are perpetual, meaning chronic and keep recurring over time and don’t disappear, even in happy relationships.
Example of perpetual problems might be:
- One partner values order, organization and the other is messy.
- One partner is introverted and prefers solitude and the other is extroverted and wants a lot of social time.
- Differences in sex drive
- Differences around saving vs. spending money
- Emotional expressiveness vs. emotional reserve
Perpetual problems, however ingrained they might be, are not a sign of incompatibility; they become destructive only when couples become gridlocked around them. When a particular conversation becomes gridlocked, the conversation feels stuck, the partners feel unheard or invalidated, there is an increasing resentment, and the Four Horseman (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) occur (www.Gottman.com). As the Gottman Method affirms, once a couple’s inability to solve a problem persists, the issue is not really about the issue itself – – the surface problem – – it’s about the underlying identity needs or fear.
So, Gottman asks “Is this problem solvable or perpetual?” Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy also recognizes the distinction between solvable and perpetual relationship problems such as practical issues that need to be negotiated once emotional safety is restored. EFCT asks “What attachment cycle is the couple caught in that keep this distress alive?” Gottman categorizes the content of the conflict while EFCT targets the process beneath the content. EFCT would maintain that the problem is rarely the core issue. Rather, couples get stuck in a negative interactional cycle driven by:
- Attachment fears (rejection, abandonment, inadequacy)
- Secondary reactive emotions (anger, criticism, withdrawal)
- Protective strategies (pursue, withdraw, attack, defend)
The “problem” becomes the stage where the attachment distress plays out.
Example Comparison between Gottman and EFCT
Issue: One partner wants more sex than the other.
Gottman View:
- Likely a perpetual problem (difference in libido).
- The goal is managing it with dialogue and compromise.
- Explore underlying dreams and meanings.
- Avoid gridlock.
EFCT View:
- The lower-desire partner may feel pressured or inadequate.
- The high-desire partner may feel rejected or unwanted.
- The pursue/withdraw cycle escalates.
- The problem is maintained by attachment fear.
The EFCT approach to understanding and changing the cycle is to slow down the cycle, access primary emotions that get cued by the cycle around the issue and create emotional safety to enable the couple to be fully heard and understood.
Where Gottman Method and EFCT Coincide
Both models agree that conflict is normal, differences are inevitable, how a couple handles distress predicts stability and repair, and feeling emotionally safe to discuss it matters. The goal of both models is to reduce emotional reactivity, increasing understanding of each partner’s perspective and position, and maintain/restore emotional connection.
Key Theoretical Differences
Gottman Method:
- Is more behavioral and skill-based.
- Emphasizes communication, repair attempts, and mutual influence.
- Conflict management is central.
EFCT Model:
- Is attachment-based and experiential.
- Emphasizes emotional processing and bonding.
- Repairing emotional injuries is central.
In summary, Gottman endorses managing the problem well while EFCT emphasizes transforming the emotional bond and the problem reorganizes. Gottman might ask “How can you discuss this difference in a healthier way?” and an EFCT therapist would ask: “What happens inside you when this difference shows up? What does it say or mean about your connection to your partner?” So, one process works at the level of interactional skills (Gottman) and the other works at the level of attachment restructuring (EFCT).
Another way to see how the two perspectives overlap is that perpetual problems are the stage and the stuck negative cycle is the dance performed on that stage. Gottman Method can manage the stage, but EFCT changes the entire dance.
In summary, the EFCT therapist would view the real problem as the negative cycle. From an EFCT perspective, the true “perpetual problem” is the rigid, inflexible, repetitive negative interactional cycle around the issue. For example, Partner A criticizes → Partner B withdraws → Partner A escalates → Partner B shuts down.
This repetitive cycle creates:
- Fear (“I don’t matter.”)
- Shame (I’m failing.”)
- Loneliness (“I’m alone in this.”)
In earlier blog post, I discussed the difference between first and second-order change. Second-order change is not just a compromise in behavior but change in the structure of the attachment bond. When a couple can openly and safely recognize that there are differences between them that fuel their painful cycle and they feel heard, trusted and loved in spite of the impasse, then perpetual problems can become manageable differences, solvable problems become collaborative conversations, and conflict becomes a cue or signal for emotional and verbal connection rather than threat.
Partners can move from “You are the problem” to “This cycle is the problem,” and ultimately “We know how to deal with this together.”
EFCT doesn’t divide the problem into fixable versus unfixable. Instead, it reframes it into threatening versus non-threatening. If a couple’s bond feels safe and secure, ongoing differences don’t destabilize the relationship.
In EFCT, surface problems, while varied, inevitable and frustrating, matter less than the attachment security the couple feels with each other and their relationship. Since perpetual differences are normal, what determines relationship stability is whether partners can reach for and respond to each other when conflict arises. Even though it is challenging to do at times, the goal is not perfect agreement necessarily but secure connection and the ability to repair in the presence of difference.
Both the Gottman Method and EFCT model are supported by strong research for their soundness and effectiveness. Gottman helps couples fight better and manage differences while EFCT helps couples feel safer and transform the emotional meaning of those differences. As a result, couples find that they can solve problems together much more easily.
Learn More About Emotionally Focused Therapy
If you’re curious about how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help improve communication, deepen emotional intimacy, and heal past hurts, I’d be happy to speak with you.
👉 Contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
📧 Email: drkathleendobek@gmail.com
📞 Call: (484) 354-1232