Helping Couples Get in Touch with Their Feelings —
You may have seen a “How are you feeling today?” poster in a therapist’s office—often featuring expressive cartoon characters or emojis displaying various emotional states. These posters are commonly used to help children recognize their feelings, but the same concept applies to adults in relationships.
When your partner’s behavior is ambiguous—especially during conflict—you often rely on nonverbal cues like tone of voice, body language, or facial expressions to guess how they feel. But what if the emotion they show doesn’t reflect what they actually feel inside?
In couples therapy, and particularly in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), uncovering and expressing these deeper emotions is key to understanding one another and building emotional safety.
Why We Hide Our True Emotions —
Think about a time when you and your partner were having a disagreement. Perhaps their expression led you to believe they were annoyed or angry with you. But often, the visible emotion—like anger or indifference—masks more vulnerable feelings underneath, such as fear or sadness.
When I ask one partner what they observed in their partner’s face during a disagreement, the answer usually points to a surface-level emotion. When I suggest there may be deeper emotions hidden underneath, they are often surprised.
We do this unconsciously. It’s a way of protecting our more tender emotional selves. And sometimes, we don’t even recognize the deeper emotion because it gets overridden so quickly by defensiveness or frustration.
What Are Emotions, Really? —
Emotions are quick, automatic appraisals of whether a situation aligns with what we want or need. Unlike thoughts—which we analyze—emotions are immediate and instinctive. They originate in the limbic system, a part of the brain that’s responsible for our emotional responses.
Imagine walking your dog at night and hearing a sudden noise behind you. Before you can think, your body reacts—your muscles tense, your senses heighten, and your brain prepares you for a possible threat. You might later realize it was nothing, but your emotional brain responded first to protect you.
This same kind of emotional reaction happens in relationships. When our partner forgets something important or seems emotionally distant, we might instantly feel sadness or fear—but often, we react with anger instead.
Primary vs. Secondary Emotions in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) —
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is widely used in marriage counseling and marriage therapy, we work with two levels of emotion:
- Primary emotions are the immediate, vulnerable responses to a situation. For example, if your partner forgets your anniversary, you might feel hurt or sadness because it feels like an emotional disconnection.
- Secondary emotions are the reactive, defensive emotions that mask the primary ones. Instead of expressing sadness, you might lash out in anger or show irritation. These responses help protect us from the discomfort of vulnerability.
By recognizing and expressing primary emotions, couples can break out of their defensive cycles and reconnect on a deeper emotional level.
Emotional Awareness: Why It’s Hard—and How to Build It —
Some people are naturally attuned to their emotional experiences and can articulate them well. Others tend to rely more on logic and reasoning to navigate life—and may not spend as much time reflecting on their feelings.
Socialization and gender roles also play a role. Men are often taught to “tough it out,” suppress emotions, and avoid appearing vulnerable. Women, on the other hand, are more encouraged to express emotions. Despite this difference, all humans—regardless of gender—are wired to feel the same range of emotions.
Getting in touch with your emotions is like learning a new language. It may feel unfamiliar and awkward at first, but with time, it becomes more natural—and more rewarding.
Why Primary Emotions Matter in Marriage Counseling —
In therapy, and especially in marriage counseling, we help couples slow down their emotional reactions and notice what’s really happening beneath the surface.
For example, if sadness is your initial emotional response, but you quickly shift to anger, the meaning of the event becomes distorted. Rather than sitting with and sharing the pain of your unmet needs, you might attack or blame your partner—creating distance instead of connection.
By focusing on primary emotions like hurt, fear, or shame, couples can begin to speak the truth of their inner experience. This opens the door to empathy, healing, and secure attachment.
Learn More About Emotionally Focused Therapy —
If you’d like to learn more about how Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you navigate relationship conflict, improve communication, and create deeper emotional bonds, I’d be happy to speak with you.
👉 Contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
📧 Email: drkathleendobek@gmail.com
📞 Call: (484) 354-1232