As the model of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with couples maintains and as skilled EFT trainers have convincingly pointed out, “intention doesn’t convey in the negative cycle.” In other blog articles, I’ve written about the presence of a negative cycle in a couple’s relationship. A negative cycle is a repetitive, negative pattern of interaction where one partner’s reactions fuel the other’s, leading to emotional disconnection and conflict. These cycles often involve one partner pursuing or criticizing, while the other withdraws or becomes defensive, and can make couples feel trapped and unheard.
The cycle is a self-sustaining downward spiral where negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings feed into each other. It can feel like a “dance” where partners are either stepping on each others’ toes or doing completely different dance steps which pulls them apart and off of the dance floor rather than connecting them in safe synchrony.
These cycles are often driven by underlying fears and unmet needs, as well as protective behaviors that are triggered by a feeling of threat or emotional insecurity, and the result is often emotional distance, frustration, and a sense of being disconnected from one another,
What generally motivates couples to seek couples therapy is to get help with the negative cycle of interaction that has developed between them. Over time, the cycle becomes rigid, inflexible, distressing, and confusing. At a certain point in a relationship, and the point when they seek therapy they often feel disheartened and emotionally disconnected from each other because of the negative cycle.
When I speak with a new couple who has contacted me for an initial appointment and I ask for a brief comment on their relationship concerns and why they are seeking therapy, a common response is that they are not communicating well.
I will then ask a few questions about what that means for them because communication difficulties in a relationship can mean different things. A very common negative cycle is the “pursue-withdraw” pattern, where one partner pushes for connection and the other shuts down to avoid conflict. Another is the “criticize-defend” cycle, where frustration is expressed through criticism and met with defensiveness. For example, it might mean that one person wants and needs to address issues that come up between them either right away or quickly in order to get resolution while the other partner prefers to wait, slow down, pause and process the discord and maybe or maybe not come back later to address it. Another communication issue might be that one person’s nature is to be quiet and their partner needs more talking between them to feel connected and engaged.
If a couple has been struggling with a negative cycle for a while, their communication will be affected because lack of validation and emotional safety create an overuse of protective strategies such as defensiveness, avoidance, or blame. When chronic communication issues are present in the relationship, it’s likely that there will be translation errors and misperceptions. And, the negative cycle interferes with their ability to send and receive clear attachment messages to each other.
Outside of a partnered relationship, misinterpretations and inaccurate translations can be very funny. While I was writing this article, I found many hilarious examples of erroneous translations in the marketing world (https://thenativa.com/blog/cross-cultural-advertising-translations/). One is related to the Parker Pen company founded in 1888 and still a leading manufacturer of pens and other related writing accoutrements. The company vibe has always been one that projects reliability, class and elegance.
In the 1950’s Parker Pen built a manufacturing facility in Mexico. They wanted to launch its new leak-proof pens in Mexico. They used the slogan “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” Unfortunately, this slogan was mistranslated and converted to “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.” As the story goes, the blunder occurred because the Parker marketing team used the Spanish verb “embarazar” which primarily means to “to impregnate” but can also mean to hinder, hamper, or embarrass. True story.
This error might have cost some folks at Parker Pen either their job or an annual bonus, but mistakes will happen with cross-cultural communication. In the same way, in a relationship two partners will have different ways of seeing things and conveying them to their partner. The intended message sent is not necessarily what is heard and received by the other person.
Some miscommunications are fairly benign if not recurrent. For example, if you ask your partner to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work and pick up a particular brand of bread and they forget and bring home another similar brand, it’s not a big deal unless this happens frequently in your relationship. In that case, you might begin to feel frustrated and translate it into a feeling that you aren’t being listened to or your requests are unimportant enough for them to find a way to make sure the correct brand is remembered and purchased.
When it comes to communications that have become influenced by the negative cycle — where one’s primary goal is to be heard, validated and to avoid the conflict itself – – the ways in which a person responds can be ambiguous or hurtful.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a distinction between intention and impact is an important one that helps partners recognize the experience of mixed messages and how to give their partner the benefit of the doubt in order to move from defensiveness toward empathy.
According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), intention is what a person means to communicate – – their motives or hopes behind a statement or an action. “I didn’t mean to shut you down. I just wanted to stop the argument before it got out of hand” is the intention, or the action tendency in response to their partner. Impact is how this action landed on their partner: “When you walked away from me while I was talking, I felt dismissed and unimportant.”
Both of their reactions make sense if we understand what was happening on the inside – – their emotional and rational interpretations of the conversation. The person who was talking wanted to address an issue, be heard, responded to and feel hopeful that they can do something about whatever triggered the cycle. Their partner sensed threat, heightened conflict, maybe felt overpowered or that he or she wasn’t going to “win” this argument, so their natural default mode was to try and calm things down without intending to shut out their partner. The goal was to avoid the conflict and perhaps real or perceived criticism and take a timeout to manage his or her confusing feelings that the encounter provoked.
If a couple experiences this type of communication pattern over a period of time, a negative cycle that is fueled by strong attachment emotions and needs is set in motion. Like quicksand, the more they panic and struggle to exit the cycle, the more energy they exert without success and only sink deeper into it. Their way of struggling with the cycle, trying to capture it and have a different outcome is futile.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the therapist’s role is that of a process consult. Through his or her own presence in the room and through conversational guidance, the therapist help couples:
1. Slowly and deliberately slow down their reactive exchanges in order to explore and unpack the intention and impact.
2. Validate both experiences so the couple can refrain from arguing over who is right and who is wrong.
3. Bridge the emotional gap to help partners see and trust the emotional logic behind each side.
For example,
▪ Partner A: “Sometimes I go quiet because I worry that saying the wrong thing will make it worse.”
▪ Partner B: “When you go silent, I feel ignored and that I am too much.”
So, Partner A, the withdrawer’s intention is to prevent the conflict from getting worse.” The impact on Partner B, the pursuer, is feeling left alone, think that they are too demanding and are dismissed.
As this response pattern, or the negative cycle around attachment needs and conflicts is repeated over and over, it can be impossible for the couple to see underneath the protective and reactive moves. An Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) can follow a couple in their negative cycle, slow down the pace and emotional intensity and create enough safety in order to see the pattern first and then have each partner gain a different understanding and a new emotional experience about their own and their partner’s responses in their cycle.
The process of EFT is to unfold the cycle, help regulate the emotional intensity, and move the couple away from blame toward a shared understanding of this interactional cycle. The problem is not one partner or the other; instead, the problem is the negative cycle which distorts, disconnects and distances them from each other.
When each partner sees how they co-create this cycle and take responsibility for their part in it (their responses, moves, reactions, feelings, interpretations of their partner) not simply for what they were trying to say but also how it affects their partner, it leads to new insight and emotional safety and new ways to repair the conflict.
In a way, mistranslations between a couple are similar to cross-cultural advertising translations. A couple consists of two different individuals with different styles and experiences of attachment, histories, and communication strategies that are developed, reinforced, and honed to perfection. But, as the Parker Pen story illustrates and what we know from the wisdom of Emotionally Focused Therapy, what works in one context, life area (or culture) doesn’t always translate effectively into another.
Learn More About Emotionally Focused Therapy
If you’re curious about how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help improve communication, deepen emotional intimacy, and heal past hurts, I’d be happy to speak with you.
👉 Contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
📧 Email: drkathleendobek@gmail.com
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